ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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