we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
