I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
