Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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