I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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