im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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