My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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