Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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