oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
