And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
