Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
