We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
