if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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