Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
