I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
