Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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