Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
