why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
