My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
