just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
