im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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