Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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