I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
