Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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