I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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