Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
