There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
