Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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