Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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