is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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