tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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