she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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