My sheets look like a crime scene.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
