i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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