Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i love accidental penises.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
FUCK WHALES
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
