Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
