You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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