New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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