Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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