So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
