Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
