Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
