I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
