remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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