If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
