The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
