my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
