i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
