you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
