i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
