my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
