Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
