Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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