Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Girls should come with a carfax report
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
