Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
