There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
