I wish I could teleport
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
